How to deal with a freeloading partner

We often consult with couples, mostly in dating relationships rather than married, where one partner is a freeloader. Could be that they’ve moved in together, and one doesn’t contribute anything towards the rent or even groceries.

One of the worst cases that came our way is of one lady whose boyfriend asked her for the lobola money and promised to pay it back — but never did.

Not only that, he was driving around in her car and was staying in her house. On numerous occasions, he was even claiming part ownership of her catering business — until she invited us for intervention. Although they have a child together, they’re no longer a couple.

This is the reality of so many couples where any one of the partners, irrespective of the gender, presumes that the other will bear their financial burdens. This unequivocal balance in finances often harms relationships and partners.

Love may be blind, but lovers don’t have to be, certainly not in the presence of a freeloader partner.

There’s a difference between accepting help and taking advantage of someone else’s generosity. But when does generosity and help cross the line into being taken advantage of?

A freeloader is called many names: moocher, bloodsucker, hanger-on, or a parasite. This is a person who does not contribute fairly or even pay anything at all towards their own expenses.

To put it bluntly, a freeloader is a shameless person who takes advantage of the generosity of others for food, shelter, clothing and much more — and might even depend on you for support, without feeling any moral obligation to pay you back or to do anything in return for you. A freeloader attaches themselves to you and is a major drain on you and your resources.

They take and take and take, standing there boldly with two open hands as well as plenty of expectation, which later turns to entitlement, but see no need to give back or show appreciation.

This entitlement is shamelessly displayed more vividly when in a relationship, especially when they’ve got used to you dishing out money.

Here are some tips on how to deal with a freeloader in your relationship.

Learn to say, “No”

If you’ve attracted the attention of a professional freeloader, you will need to learn that “No” is a complete sentence that needs no clarification. It’s important you realise that a “no” doesn’t mean you’re no longer a generous person.

Denying a freeloader access to your resources could help save your generous heart.

Truth is, when a freeloader is done with you, you’ll be suspicious of everyone you cross paths with — even genuine people.

You’re likely to be less generous with the next person and even think that everyone is out to use you and extract money, time and resources from you unjustly.

A freeloader will eventually change you into someone you’re not.

Set boundaries

Because of their irresponsibility, freeloaders are generally in denial of their behaviour — and can pick a fight when held accountable. You need to start laying down some boundaries around your resources.

Usually when they first ask to “borrow” money, you wouldn’t think twice about it. They promise to pay you back. But as days go by, there’s no mention of the money, and they have no intention of paying it back. They haven’t forgotten about it, but are hoping you did.

If you’re not going to literally close the tap, you need to give them a timeline upfront of when you’re expecting them to pay the money by.

Draft something in writing for their signature if you have to, just so they can see how serious this is for you.

But be prepared, a problem you may run into is that they may act upset, hurt or indigent when held accountable. They may even leave because you refuse them your resources.

Don’t fall for the guilt-trips

They are really good at it. One important thing to recognise about this sort is they do it on purpose. This is also a tactic that freeloaders use to keep getting away with what they have been.

One of the worst cases that came our way is of one lady whose boyfriend asked her for the lobola money and promised to pay it back — but never did

Call them out

Unfortunately, they have no shame. Your disapproval means nothing. In fact, that can really help you differentiate between a purposeful moocher and someone in actual need. Most people will do their best to solve their own problems, only asking for help when really necessary. But a freeloader really cares nothing for your needs and thoughts, even if they convince you that they do. They also rarely care for normal social etiquette.

Assess the relationship

At some point, you need to assess if the relationship is still beneficial to you as you intended it. It may be worth it to just cut your losses, and move on before you lose your mind. If it’s a relationship that’s worth saving, you may have to consider counselling.